Sex without intimacy, or intimacy without sex?

Which one would you prefer? I’m starting to think that my life is going to be forever plagued with both. I’m an inveterate whore, so, unless I pull myself together, I’m not going to be able to hold on to anyone long enough to crawl deep down inside them both physically and spiritually. I was getting close last summer with Aiman, but I got scared by the yucky stuff that I saw inside him (which we all have). As a result, I ran away to Slutville without looking back. That, of course, ruined my relationship and its possibility for further profundity.

Since then I’ve been stuck with random hookups and a beautiful, beautiful, young thing who lives three states away and is so shy that I sometimes have to pretend I’m a reporter on assignment to get anything out of him.

I’ve also been experiencing something else lately: the joys (and pitfalls) of deeply intimate, truly platonic friendships. They can be as intense and time-consuming as romantic/sexual ones. The highs and lows are equally exhilarating and harrowing in either type of relationship. And there is commitment involved. I’m at the point in my life where I’m not just going through the motions as far as friendship and “hanging out” are concerned. I’m making conscious decisions as to whom I want to spend my time with and toward whom I want to dedicate my energies. Your greatest friends, your friends for life, are the people that you know so well that you’ve got most of their “flaws” catalogued but there’s still something about them that you know you will love them forever, pretty much unconditionally. I’ve been reveling in that lately.

Still, I yearn to bridge the gap between joyous friendship and ecstatic sexual union. I had a recent experience of cuddling with a straight male friend that changed my life. Yes, it gave me a hard-on, but, at the same time, I didn’t want it to go beyond that. It would have been ruined if it did. I’m very proud of myself for being able to tow that line. I think I’ve learned how to keep perversion out of my friendships. Now I need to figure out how to put some friendship into my perversions.

Also, I’m officially coming out against the pervasive homophobic idea that just because a straight man cuddles or flirts with other men, gay or straight, that he is somehow “confused” or “in-denial.” This idea is sexist homophobic bullshit. Don’t we all remember the boys from high school and college who did end up being gay? Were they free with affection and comfortable with themselves and others? No, my friends, they were not. They were extremely paranoid about any homosexual energies invading their inflated alpha-male fantasyland (another sign of homoerotic longings that should be obvious to any gay porn fans). They were also bullies who preyed on any sign of weakness or non-heterosexuality in other males of their tribe. But then what happened? They got drunk and gave the quarterback a “strictly heterosexual” blowjob. And what happened to the comfy boys? Well, they all got married or moved on to something else, just being themselves. Hooray for them, and anyone who dares to call them gay is missing the point.

Anyway, enough about sex. I’m going to see Tori Amos tomorrow in Atlanta!!!! Hooray. Life is grand.

Love Scott (your hero)